Sunny Days

The sun is bright outside and the birds are singing oh so beautifully. This is the day that the Lord has made. I will rejoice.

I have waited for days like this all winter long and they are finally here. I really thought winter would last forever but it didn't. I can feel myself slowly climbing out of the valley that I have been in all winter long. I feel like I can once again see the top of the mountain. What a beautiful sight it is. I keep reminding myself I will once again be on that mountain top and will be able to look back on this journey and rejoice.

I feel like sometimes over these past five months I have not done the best job of focusing on Christ. I have read about women who have had so much faith they never once wavered. Well i have not been that woman but I know my heavenly father still loves me. There have been many times where I have cried out to God and wondered if He could even hear me. I know He did. On my darkest days I felt Him very gently pick me up and tell me, "I will carry you today, my child. Put your head on my shoulder and rest for a while."

Today as I was doing my dishes I thanked God for getting me this far and I started to feel that fear rise up in me but then I remembered He was there with me and there was nothing to fear.

Weigh In Day

Well it is weigh in day for me again. Really haven't been as good as I should be this week. I am beginning to enjoy the exercising. I feel wonderful and energized after a good workout.

Last week's weight: 142.8
This week's weight: 141.4

Lost again. Praise the Lord. I really didn't think I would see a loss this week. I feel motivated and will keep doing what I am doing.
Only .6 pounds to go and I will have lost my first five.

Elias

Well it is officially here Elias' due date was today. It has not been that bad. I can't believe it has been 5 months since I was last pregnant and had a little belly with a little baby inside of me. I thought I would just die if I didn't get pregnant right away. Well I'm not dead and I'm not pregnant either. So I can say I will survive this journey. I am glad I have had this time to just be a mom. Most of the time I haven't really been a great one but I am trying. I can actually say I am so glad this day is here and almost over with. I was afraid of how I would feel and what I would think. I have been a little weepy today and a little tired but overall it has been just a normal Monday.

No baby for me to hold and cuddle this March 29th, 2010. I know He is in better hands thant mine so I will rest in this and know that I will hold Elias Arthur Lee in heaven someday. Thank you Lord for taking care of my littel boy for me.



Like I say 100 times a day I will reap a Harvest of Joy Psalm 126:5

Wondering Why?

Today I was talking with a dear friend of mine and sharing with her that I really thought I would be pregnant by now. Well, I'm not, and I have to deal with this and know that God's time is best. Let me tell you that is very hard for me. She said something very profound and it really made me think and ponder this statement.
She said, "If I was pregnant right now I would not be dealing with the grief and I would have just moved on. "
This is something i have done quiet often with other issues. I was able for the first time to thank God for knowing what is best for me right now. I am walking a path that is very painful and i am doing it completely with Christ and no other crutch. As I write this I am so thankful that I have chosen not to drink my sorrows away. I think I started to eat my sorrows away this time but the Lord took hold of me and said, "I am the way." The food, the alcohol, the shopping none of that will help it will just prolong the agony of dealing with the issue ahead of me . Which is learning to live with the loss of a precious baby. I see a little glimpse of light at the end of this tunnel. Not very much but a little.
Last night I cried out to God and fought with him until 2:30 a.m. until I could fight no more. I am so thankful he this patient. I am a very slow learner. I still wonder when and if I will hold a little baby again of my own. I believe I will. He knows my heart and I believe his plans are good for me. I don't know when this day will come but for today I will live in Hope, that comes only from the Lord. And I will try to stop asking the question"WHY"

(Also to my dear friend. Thank you for being there for me through this journey even though we are thousands of miles apart. You really have been a blessing)
This is the first time I have really had to deal with something without self medicating myself. Before I would have drank my sorrows away but the Lord graciously took that desire away from me. At the beginning of this grieving process I was using food to help me deal with it. Now I am taking note of what I eat and no longer am allowing myself to eat when I am sad or mad or confused. The Lord showed me today he is walking me through this and the anger and sadness and jealousy is going to get better. I just need to listen and learn as I walk down this path. I have come to realize I will never ever again be the Susan I was before and that is o.k. I think he is molding me into a different Susan, not a better Susan. Just the Susan who God wants to me to be.

The Spotted Monster

The other day as I was preoccupied (on the computer) my 7 year old decided to decorate her little brother. I asked her, "Creighton why did you do that to your brother?" She said," Because he likes it." O.k. how do you know he likes it I was thinking to myself.

I LOST!!!!

I have completed my first week of weight watchers. Can't believe the crap I have been putting in my body. It has been a long week trying to get my body off of all the sugars I was in taking. On the positive side I exercised every day last week but one and I feel great. I was telling a friend last night that I didn't get my workout in and I could tell. I just didn't feel as energized, I actually felt a little bit sluggish.

So here is the result of this last week:

Beginning weight 145.8lbs.

This week's weight 142.8lbs.

3 lbs!!!!! I lost 3lbs!!!! I am so excited and proud of myself. Now onto a new week.

Wow I am out of Shape

Well I really didn't realize how out of shape I am until I tried to workout today for the first time in a really long time. Well I made it but I am sore and can't believe I let myself get to this point.

I really feel like the Lord is telling me that I need to get into shape and not only eat better but also exercise so my body can be healthy again. I am excited about getting back into shape and maybe I won't feel so down all the time. Well we will see and i will keep everyone posted with how I am doing.

Maybe I will post some before pictures to keep me motivated.

Memories

Today I sit and ponder many different memories that seem to flood my every thought. This is the month I was supposed to be having a healthy baby boy. I am not having that baby this month, instead I had him 4 and a half months ago lying very, very still. His little soul had already gone on to be with the Lord.

The other day I was laying down in my bed for quiet time and my emotions to say the least got the best of me. I cried and cried and cried. I just couldn't stop for some reason. I had been doing so good lately but for some reason that day I just couldn't stop the tears. Even after quiet time I would feel the sadness well up in me and I would cry again. I guess I needed it because I have been feeling better since that day.

I began to reminisce about all of my labors and how different they all were. How we were so excited every time my water broke because we knew we were going to have a baby and it was really happening. I am sure all of you mothers know what I am talking about it just doesn't seem real sometimes until that water breaks. Well the same thing happened when I had Elias, except this time when my water broke I was flooded with sadness knowing that my baby was about to be born and instead of saying hello I would be saying good bye. I think about that day quiet often, and wonder is that the last time I will ever give birth. I pray with a fervent heart quiet often that this is not the case. I sometimes wonder why I am not pregnant yet and wonder if I will ever carry another child to term. This is an area I am really trying to give to God but it is so hard when your heart aches for a little one.

Well once again thanks for listening to my ramblings as I walk this journey of healing.

You Know You Have A Large Family When....

First of all I know there are many out there who have larger families than us so sometimes I struggle with using titles like these because I really don't know when a family falls into this category. But I guess after yesterday's incident I am pretty sure we are a large family.

We arrived at church right at 10:30 which is when it starts, so needless to say we were late. All of us quickly jumped out of the van and headed inside to find a seat. Of course today the church was extremely full and the only open seats for all 9 of us to sit together was right up in the front. I really don't like sitting up there but we headed up and squeezed into I think 5 or 6 open seats. The kids shared and daddy and I placed little ones on our laps. The singing had finished and the pastor was praying. When he said Amen my 9 year old looked at me and said,"Mom where's Brecken?" I frantically counted all the kids and realized there were 6 and not 7. I ran out of the church right to the van and there Brecken stood at the door to the van with big tears running down her cheeks. She looked at me and said, "Mommy I thought you had forgotten me and wouldn't come back until church was over." I felt terrible and just held her as I repeatedly told her I was sorry. I think after this I can say we fall into the category of having a large family. I actually forgot one of my kids.