Wow this has been one emotional week at our house. 6 months ago tomorrow we found out that our baby had no heartbeat and it felt like our world was falling apart. It was and sometimes still is. The one constant has been our faith. There have been days when all we could do was acknowledge that the Lord was in control, and then there have been days where we have cried out to God and He has simply held us in His mighty hands, and then there have been days where we have been filled with Joy and laughter and can see the light at the end of this tunnel.
My older daughters have been wonderful in taking up the slack when it was just to much for me. The times when I would cry, and they would give me a quick hug and then sit down and play with the little one's. This winter was probably the hardest for me with the holidays. For Christmas my 7 year old gave me a statue that has a cross and two little angels kneeling down. She said that it was our two babies that we have lost. What a precious gift from a child. She knows how important those babies were to mommy and I was so blessed by that gift. I have felt like I have gotten closer to my children during these last 6 months than their entire time they have been with me.
My husband started working nights the day he went back to work after our loss. Wow was that a slap in the face. I went to bed every night and just cried. I had lost my baby and now I was lying in bed at night alone and sad. During this time I had to really hold onto my faith and not let the depression completely consume me. Just a couple of days ago my husband had an interview for a different position at work. This would mean no more nights and an increase in pay. He applied for this in January and we had kind of swept it under the rug. Then out of nowhere he gets an e-mail and they want to start the interviewing process. We are just kind of in awe right now as we see the Lord's hand at work. We have laid our requests at His feet which was very emotional and we will remain faithful through all of this. We love the Lord no matter what, promotion or no promotion, and baby or no baby.
I ask for your prayers during this time for us to see the Lord's hand in all of this. And to remember that His ways are not always our ways.
Today I woke up and couldn't shake this feeling of just feeling blah. I am working on a Bible study right now called "Threads of Hope, Pieces of Joy." It is wonderful and I am so thankful a dear friend of mine gave it to me.
A few women who I know told me that it would get easier as time went by but I would still have days where the sadness would creep up on me. Today I think is one of those. Yesterday I was outside jumping rope with my kids, laughing and really having a great day. Today I just want to lay in bed and cry, which I know I can't. Yesterday as I was doing something with Levi I said to myself, " I am o.k. if I don't have anymore children." Today is a totally different story. Today I want to cry because I wonder if I ever will have anymore. I know that this too shall pass and I will hold on to my verse that promises a Harvest of JOY. Maybe just maybe I will have a good cry and move on with today.
Thanks to all of you have encouraged me with your comments and prayers, and to all of you have stuck by my side through this journey that will someday have an end.
