They Did It

They did it.
The chickens finally laid their first egg.
The girls and I were so excited you would have thought it was Christmas at our house. The funny thing is that we have not been checking the nesting box so it had been there for a while. Needless to say the chickens got sick of waiting for us to come and get it so they cracked it and our first egg we didn't even get to eat. That's o.k. there will be others.

The BILL

O.k. yesterday was a really bad day. I realized it was exactly four weeks yesterday that we learned that I had lost the baby. Might explain why I was having a bad day.

Today I wake up and I am determined it is going to be a better day. Things were going pretty well. Kids had finished school before lunch which makes it nice for all of us. We were just kind of hanging out when the mail came. Low and behold lurking in the mailbox was the BILL. The hospital bill. After looking at it and seeing what the insurance paid not really sure why we even have insurance. But then again I should be thankful we don't have to pay the full amount. I remember my dear friend Allison telling me that when we received the hospital bill it could be a difficult time. Not really sure if it makes me sad or mad. I'm mad about paying a bill and having nothing to show for it and sad that I am still dealing with anger. All I can say is the good Lord knows all and he will get us through this.

Not a Good Day

Wow lately I have been feeling great and have really had some good days. Then today I wake up and just feel really out of sorts. So many thoughts and emotions running through my head right now. Lately I have been surrounded by new babies and pregnant mommies, for the most part I do o.k. There are times when I just look away and cry hoping no one sees the tears.

this afternoon I took a bath and thought many different things. Mainly thoughts that I know are not from Christ but surely from the enemy.

I am old and no good anymore.

I wasn't worthy of a baby.

I will probably never hold a live baby again.

Then my mind went to thoughts of why:

Why couldn't I hold this baby.

What did I do wrong.

Did I not pray hard enough.

I had to stop myself with all this torture because I was beginning to feel like I would explode. Maybe I need to explode. I try to be so strong for the kids and everyone else. I don't want people to know that I can't get past this. It really stinks!!! I will get through this I just want it all to be over. I want the Lord to fast forward my life to the season of when I am on a mountain top again. I know there are probably many people who are thinking to themselves get over it, that was a month ago, move on, be happy with what you have, all the things people say that don't help a grieving soul. I read a woman's blog and she said, "She wanted to stay in bed and pull the covers over her head because she hurt so bad." That is me right now I just want to go to bed and not get out until all the hurt is gone. But I won't I will keep walking through this mud and gunk until I get through it. One minute at a time, with the good Lord by my side. I am finally able to talk to God more on a relational basis . This really is an improvement. Before I was just crying out to Him begging Him to carry me. So thankful that he never walks away and is waiting for me with open arms and no condemnation.

Finding Joy

Just the past couple of weeks I have had some wonderful experiences with my children. I will be talking with them or just sitting at the dinner table and they will say something or do something and it will make me laugh. Not just a little laugh but laughing so hard that your belly hurts. Last night we were doing devotions and something happened where I couldn't quit laughing. I felt like I was a different person. I couldn't understand what was happening. I can't remember ever being so happy. I can't even say happy more just filled with joy. I still can be a little snappy and grouchy sometimes but lately I feel like I enjoy being around my children. I know for some of you moms that is hard to believe not wanting to be around your children, but sometimes life gets mundane. As I was talking to a friend tonight she said," You are learning to count it all JOY." just like my blog says. It feels really good. I am sad that it took something like the death of our baby for me to see how blessed I am. So all of you take a little time out and just laugh it does wonders for everyone.

Reaghan Mae

My beautiful Reaghan who is now 9. Keeps all of us on our toes.
A dear friend of mine commented that I had forgotten to put her picture up. I didn't forget I was just saving the best for last. Thanks Lori. Now my little Reaghan gets a post all to herself. Love you Ray Ray.

More Pictures

This picture pretty much shows you how Levi acted the whole day. TERRIBLE!! He would not cooperate at all and wanted to be running around playing in leaves. I think I might use this as our Christmas card because it shows the kids being themselves. Not sure yet.

Here they are actually looking like civilized children.

Levi playing in the leaves again.

Kharis is now 3 and I can't believe how big she is getting. What happened to my baby?

Brecken is five and getting bigger and bigger everyday. She is very independent.

Creighton well not much to say about her. She is our free spirit.

Maclae looks more and more like Momma every day.

My oldest child will be thirteen in less than a month. I can't believe I will have a teenager in the house. We look forward to watching her grow into a young lady during this time. Thanking God for all of our blessings.

Family Pictures

Just a couple of pictures that we took today of the kids. This is all we have of the little man. He decided he didn't want to cooperate today. I love this picture of the girls, just wish the boy would have been in it.
More pictures to come later.

My Young Lady

This morning at the breakfast table the children seemed to be lashing out at each other. I told them I didn't like it and that we were really going to have to work on being kind to each other. My oldest daughter seemed to be really quiet and I saw her starting to tear up. I brought her into the kitchen and said,"Emily it's o.k. to cry." She is my child who very rarely shows her emotions. I just hugged her and let her cry which is a first for her. After a while I asked her if she wanted to talk. She just looked at me with tears running down her face and said," I would have had another baby brother." Nothing else was said we just held each other and cried. I think we both needed that. It is amazing to me how she is no longer my little girl but now my young lady. What a beautiful young lady she has become. I am proud to call her my daughter and look forward to the years ahead as she continues to blossom.

Two Weeks

I have sat here in a really weird mood these past couple of days. I have had many encouraging comments. Today I got a comment from a wonderful young lady whom I go to church with. When I read her comment all I could do was cry. I do not feel very strong today and I feel like I am just in a fog. I was encouraged because she could see my strength through this even though I can't. It made me realize that the Lord is carrying me through this and I don't have to do it alone. Two weeks ago tonight we found out that our baby had died. At that point I didn't know how I would get through one day let alone two weeks. But look we have made it and it has been up and down but we are getting better. I am still for some reason physically tired but I know that too will end.

Daddy has gone back to work and I think that was harder on him than he thought. Last night we talked and shared some of our thoughts about what has been going on. It made me realize that sometimes we forget that the Dad is grieving also. So prayers for daddy would be greatly appreciated right now. Thank you all of you who have been with us through this. I am really going to try to write a post that is just about life and the kids next time. Until then have a blessed day.

New Adjustments

Wow! I can't believe it, we actually got some school done today. I decided I should have the kids start getting back in to some sort of schedule and what day could be better than today. The kids did Math, History, and they read to mommy. Pretty good for getting back into the swing of things. Not only has our life changed with the loss of the baby, but daddies first day back after this ordeal was not a very fun one. You ask why? Well they put him on nights. He has never worked nights in the all of our years of marriage so we all are adjusting to that new schedule. We are just thankful he has a job as I know there are many of you out there who are not as fortunate right now. It helps keep me from complaining when I know I should be thankful. So I hope I am not whining just adjusting to our life changing again. I guess God has a purpose for this too. Not sure what it is but then that is why He is in charge and not me. I am sure I would mess everything up. Hope everyone is having a great week so far.

O.k. my last post was a time for me to reflect on having hope in the Lord. Then some creep comes and posts a disgusting comment and can't even use their name. what a coward. I am sorry that this blog that I am creating for my family to some day read and laugh and cry together has to be corrupted by the evil of this world. If anyone knows how I can delete that comment please let me know.
Thank you