Those who plant in tears will harvest SHOUTS OF JOY. They weep as they plant their seed, but they sing as they return with the HARVEST.

Psalm 126:5-6

Wednesday, November 18, 2009

Not a Good Day

Wow lately I have been feeling great and have really had some good days. Then today I wake up and just feel really out of sorts. So many thoughts and emotions running through my head right now. Lately I have been surrounded by new babies and pregnant mommies, for the most part I do o.k. There are times when I just look away and cry hoping no one sees the tears.

this afternoon I took a bath and thought many different things. Mainly thoughts that I know are not from Christ but surely from the enemy.

I am old and no good anymore.

I wasn't worthy of a baby.

I will probably never hold a live baby again.

Then my mind went to thoughts of why:

Why couldn't I hold this baby.

What did I do wrong.

Did I not pray hard enough.

I had to stop myself with all this torture because I was beginning to feel like I would explode. Maybe I need to explode. I try to be so strong for the kids and everyone else. I don't want people to know that I can't get past this. It really stinks!!! I will get through this I just want it all to be over. I want the Lord to fast forward my life to the season of when I am on a mountain top again. I know there are probably many people who are thinking to themselves get over it, that was a month ago, move on, be happy with what you have, all the things people say that don't help a grieving soul. I read a woman's blog and she said, "She wanted to stay in bed and pull the covers over her head because she hurt so bad." That is me right now I just want to go to bed and not get out until all the hurt is gone. But I won't I will keep walking through this mud and gunk until I get through it. One minute at a time, with the good Lord by my side. I am finally able to talk to God more on a relational basis . This really is an improvement. Before I was just crying out to Him begging Him to carry me. So thankful that he never walks away and is waiting for me with open arms and no condemnation.


l.ann said...

Stopping to pray right now! Just know, that above all else God is in control! Put all your weight on Him ~ His mighty arms are around you like the cold of a winters day and his glorious hands stroke your hair like the sunbeams of a warm summer day! He will not leave you nor forsake you! If you need to talk you're welcome to call!

Susan said...

Lori-Thank you so m uch for such an encouraging comment. I am really trying to feel His arms around me right now and know that He is God and I am not.
Thanks for praying that is the best medicine for me right now.

Tona said...

I can't imagine how hard this must be. You are constantly in my prayers. I would never expect anyone to "just move on." The Lord is in control and has something in this for you and your family. He is with you always and will comfortyou during the difficult times. He is holding your hand. Walk with Him.

Tanya Ross said...

I will be honest, I am not sure what to say. I do want you to grieve, no one can take that from you. And you have all the right in the world to ask God those questions. I did a study on Jeremiah's prayer for the Israelites and he cried out to God wondering "Why"? We have the right to question our God, and He is waiting for you. I know God has His arms around you and He is comforting you. It takes time, and you are allowed that time. I love you like my own sister, and my heart hurt with you. You are always in my prayers, love Tanya

Audrey said...

My heart aches for you, Susan. I just prayed yet again when I read your words. I cannot imagine the pain you're experiencing with losing your child. May God comfort you in unspeakable ways, touching the very most innerparts of you in the process.