Wow lately I have been feeling great and have really had some good days. Then today I wake up and just feel really out of sorts. So many thoughts and emotions running through my head right now. Lately I have been surrounded by new babies and pregnant mommies, for the most part I do o.k. There are times when I just look away and cry hoping no one sees the tears.
this afternoon I took a bath and thought many different things. Mainly thoughts that I know are not from Christ but surely from the enemy.
I am old and no good anymore.
I wasn't worthy of a baby.
I will probably never hold a live baby again.
Then my mind went to thoughts of why:
Why couldn't I hold this baby.
What did I do wrong.
Did I not pray hard enough.
I had to stop myself with all this torture because I was beginning to feel like I would explode. Maybe I need to explode. I try to be so strong for the kids and everyone else. I don't want people to know that I can't get past this. It really stinks!!! I will get through this I just want it all to be over. I want the Lord to fast forward my life to the season of when I am on a mountain top again. I know there are probably many people who are thinking to themselves get over it, that was a month ago, move on, be happy with what you have, all the things people say that don't help a grieving soul. I read a woman's blog and she said, "She wanted to stay in bed and pull the covers over her head because she hurt so bad." That is me right now I just want to go to bed and not get out until all the hurt is gone. But I won't I will keep walking through this mud and gunk until I get through it. One minute at a time, with the good Lord by my side. I am finally able to talk to God more on a relational basis . This really is an improvement. Before I was just crying out to Him begging Him to carry me. So thankful that he never walks away and is waiting for me with open arms and no condemnation.