Monday, November 23, 2009
The chickens finally laid their first egg.
The girls and I were so excited you would have thought it was Christmas at our house. The funny thing is that we have not been checking the nesting box so it had been there for a while. Needless to say the chickens got sick of waiting for us to come and get it so they cracked it and our first egg we didn't even get to eat. That's o.k. there will be others.
Thursday, November 19, 2009
O.k. yesterday was a really bad day. I realized it was exactly four weeks yesterday that we learned that I had lost the baby. Might explain why I was having a bad day.
Today I wake up and I am determined it is going to be a better day. Things were going pretty well. Kids had finished school before lunch which makes it nice for all of us. We were just kind of hanging out when the mail came. Low and behold lurking in the mailbox was the BILL. The hospital bill. After looking at it and seeing what the insurance paid not really sure why we even have insurance. But then again I should be thankful we don't have to pay the full amount. I remember my dear friend Allison telling me that when we received the hospital bill it could be a difficult time. Not really sure if it makes me sad or mad. I'm mad about paying a bill and having nothing to show for it and sad that I am still dealing with anger. All I can say is the good Lord knows all and he will get us through this.
Wednesday, November 18, 2009
Wow lately I have been feeling great and have really had some good days. Then today I wake up and just feel really out of sorts. So many thoughts and emotions running through my head right now. Lately I have been surrounded by new babies and pregnant mommies, for the most part I do o.k. There are times when I just look away and cry hoping no one sees the tears.
this afternoon I took a bath and thought many different things. Mainly thoughts that I know are not from Christ but surely from the enemy.
I am old and no good anymore.
I wasn't worthy of a baby.
I will probably never hold a live baby again.
Then my mind went to thoughts of why:
Why couldn't I hold this baby.
What did I do wrong.
Did I not pray hard enough.
I had to stop myself with all this torture because I was beginning to feel like I would explode. Maybe I need to explode. I try to be so strong for the kids and everyone else. I don't want people to know that I can't get past this. It really stinks!!! I will get through this I just want it all to be over. I want the Lord to fast forward my life to the season of when I am on a mountain top again. I know there are probably many people who are thinking to themselves get over it, that was a month ago, move on, be happy with what you have, all the things people say that don't help a grieving soul. I read a woman's blog and she said, "She wanted to stay in bed and pull the covers over her head because she hurt so bad." That is me right now I just want to go to bed and not get out until all the hurt is gone. But I won't I will keep walking through this mud and gunk until I get through it. One minute at a time, with the good Lord by my side. I am finally able to talk to God more on a relational basis . This really is an improvement. Before I was just crying out to Him begging Him to carry me. So thankful that he never walks away and is waiting for me with open arms and no condemnation.
Tuesday, November 17, 2009
Thursday, November 12, 2009
A dear friend of mine commented that I had forgotten to put her picture up. I didn't forget I was just saving the best for last. Thanks Lori. Now my little Reaghan gets a post all to herself. Love you Ray Ray.
Wednesday, November 11, 2009
Thursday, November 5, 2009
Wednesday, November 4, 2009
I have sat here in a really weird mood these past couple of days. I have had many encouraging comments. Today I got a comment from a wonderful young lady whom I go to church with. When I read her comment all I could do was cry. I do not feel very strong today and I feel like I am just in a fog. I was encouraged because she could see my strength through this even though I can't. It made me realize that the Lord is carrying me through this and I don't have to do it alone. Two weeks ago tonight we found out that our baby had died. At that point I didn't know how I would get through one day let alone two weeks. But look we have made it and it has been up and down but we are getting better. I am still for some reason physically tired but I know that too will end.
Daddy has gone back to work and I think that was harder on him than he thought. Last night we talked and shared some of our thoughts about what has been going on. It made me realize that sometimes we forget that the Dad is grieving also. So prayers for daddy would be greatly appreciated right now. Thank you all of you who have been with us through this. I am really going to try to write a post that is just about life and the kids next time. Until then have a blessed day.
Tuesday, November 3, 2009