An Emotional Day

Today I am an emotional wreck. All I want to do is cry. I walked into the Levi room and saw Levi sitting on the floor quietly reading an book and I started to cry. I don't even know why, the tears just began to fall. I looked at him as he sat there and felt like he was no longer a baby. I know he still is but he is getting so big so fast. I feel like time is just flying by and all of my children are growing up right before my eyes. I know this is a good thing but it is also a sad time for me. There are times when I just want to stop time and keep these days going on forever, but I know we all have to grow and change and I am seeing that right here in my little home. I think I am just a little emotional today and that too shall pass.

The Song

Our youngest daughter is absolutely adorable. For the last three years she has picked a song and that has been her favorite song for the whole year.

Last year the song was "Come Thou Fount." Well she couldn't say the title correctly so when she wanted us to play this song she would say can you play "Come Fine Fountain." Even if she heard just a few measures of this song she knew it was her song and she would get all excited and say,"Mommy it's Come fine Fountain."

The year before that her favorite song was "Victory in Jesus", she sang this all the time over and over. When it was Christmas she would sing "Away in a Manger" and add "Victory in Jesus" right along with it. This is how she sang this mix:

Away in a Manger my Saviour forever

He sought me and bought me

With His redeeming blood

We thought it was very cute and was very true.

Well this year she again has picked a new song. Only now she tells us it is "her song", there is no name just "her song". It is very cute she walks around the house all day humming the tune because she doesn't know all the words yet but I am sure by the end of the year she will be singing every stanza. And the song for this year is "In Christ Alone."

Bitterness

Bitterness. A word that came to me the other day as I was doing the morning dishes. I knew why that word kept ringing in my head and wouldn't leave me alone. It's because I am struggling with bitterness. At that moment i just cried out to God and told him I was bitter and I hated the way I felt. I was bitter with God and didn't realize it. Ever since losing Elias I feel like I will never have that experience of enjoying a future pregnancy and that was just part of why I was bitter. I was also bitter because I should be getting to the end of my pregnancy and getting prepared to welcome a new baby into our home. As I stood in my kitchen I realized I could live my life this way and sit in this bitterness. This is not what I want for me or my family. I feel like the last three months have been a blur and I can no longer let this get the best of me. I know I will be sad at times but I have chosen to rid myself of this bitterness and see life through Christ's eyes and not mine. I am sure this will be a battle for me everyday, but through Christ nothing is impossible.

I'm Really Trying

I'm really trying lately to see the Joy in everything. Wow! That is really hard to do. It has been gloomy for the past week and I really would enjoy just a little peek at the sun. I think it would do us all some good. Let me just say I have not had a very cheerful or servant attitude and I seem to be raising my voice at the children almost everyday. I really don't like it when this happens and I have no excuse other than choosing to let my flesh rule instead of the Spirit. I am praying and believing that tomorrow will be a much better day than today.

WHAM

O.k. everywhere I look people are pregnant or having babies. It really kinda stinks. I think I am o.k. with everything and then WHAM it hits me right in the face and I realize I am not o.k. I was just talking to a dear friend yesterday about how I want to be content. I want to be at the point that I am o.k. if I don't have anymore children. Well I AM NOT!!!! Why can't all this craziness in my head just stop.

Last night I laid in bed and talked to God for probably half the night. Which is not a bad thing but believe me I wasn't praising God the whole time, I think I mostly complained. I know God knows my heart and He knows how I feel but for some reason I felt like I needed to verbally tell Him. Why? I have no clue.

I know it will take time, but how much time? I really don't know but I will be glad when I am not so up and down and am truly content with what the Lord is doing in my life. I am so not there yet.

Our Weekend Away

Let's see. Daddy and I made it home yesterday afternoon after a wonderful weekend. We had such a great time in Des moines. We left on Friday at about noon and started with lunch at our favorite Chinese restaurant in town. Then we were off on our weekend with no kids. I love my kids so very much but sometimes it is nice when mommy and daddy can get away. We figured we hadn't been away since April of 2006 so this was a much needed weekend. I had such a great time and felt like I was laughing all weekend. The first night we were back in the hotel at 9:30 and lights were out by 10:30 , I think we are getting old. The next day was filled with shopping and a movie and a wonderful dinner at a little Italian restaurant that hubby had delivered to before. We had a wonderful evening and I was beginning to miss the children but didn't focus on that and just focused on enjoying my hubby. Sunday morning we got up and headed home. Had a great afternoon playing games with the children. I really needed this weekend.

Contentment

Gees. I have really had a hard time blogging lately. Life just seems to be uneventful right now which I think is a good thing. I have set some goals for this year and I am trying to work on them everyday.My main goal for this year is "contentment ." I am going to try to understand and experience true contentment that will only come from God. I know it won't be easy but with Christ nothing is impossible. I will keep you all updated on how things are going.

Now I must go so I can pack for a weekend with just Daddy and I!!!!