Those who plant in tears will harvest SHOUTS OF JOY. They weep as they plant their seed, but they sing as they return with the HARVEST.



Psalm 126:5-6

Tuesday, January 12, 2010

WHAM

O.k. everywhere I look people are pregnant or having babies. It really kinda stinks. I think I am o.k. with everything and then WHAM it hits me right in the face and I realize I am not o.k. I was just talking to a dear friend yesterday about how I want to be content. I want to be at the point that I am o.k. if I don't have anymore children. Well I AM NOT!!!! Why can't all this craziness in my head just stop.

Last night I laid in bed and talked to God for probably half the night. Which is not a bad thing but believe me I wasn't praising God the whole time, I think I mostly complained. I know God knows my heart and He knows how I feel but for some reason I felt like I needed to verbally tell Him. Why? I have no clue.

I know it will take time, but how much time? I really don't know but I will be glad when I am not so up and down and am truly content with what the Lord is doing in my life. I am so not there yet.

11 comments:

Sally, Greg and Hannah said...

Aw. I am so sorry. I PRAY that God gives you the opportunity to carry and birth another blessing!

I am someone who has never experienced what you have and cannot imagine. If I do, I know who to talk to! Keep being there to be a testimony to those of us who have never been through your heartaches.

oliveplants said...

Sweet Susan,
I so know what you are going through and all I can tell you is that these feelings are normal and okay. I also believe that it is possible that God has given you these feelings because He WANTS you to want more babies and He will GIVE them, but you have to wait for His timing. I know it stinks. Whenever I desire something that I am not sure He wants for me, I ask Him to take it away from me if it is not His will for my life. If you haven't, try that. It may give you some peace. I know life is hard right now but it WILL improve. You've had a death in your family. There are emotions to work through in so many areas. You'll get to the end of this, even though it will never completely go away. I'm sorry you're going through this. There are so many of us out there who understand and can empathize. You are not alone.

Holly said...

Hi Susan. Thank you for your comment. Losing a child hurts and it's ok if you don't 'move on'. I don't think you will ever move on after losing your child. You just learn to live with it. All the preggos and babies come out of hiding it seems after your child is gone.

Amy @ Raising Arrows said...

I understand where you are, Susan. My struggle with these feelings prompted me to write the article "Enjoying YOUR Quiverfull" b/c I knew I shouldn't be looking for anything other than what the Lord had blessed me with.

This is the very first time I've ever been absolutely content w/ where I am concerning the number of children I have. I don't really know what was different. Maybe it's because I felt as though I once again had the 5 children I had had when Emmy died or maybe I thought I didn't really deserve any more children...I don't know. Or maybe, just maybe, God finally granted me that contentment I had only dreamed about.

I'll be praying for you as I know how consuming this can be and how very sad it can make you. {{HUGS}}
Amy

Amy @ Raising Arrows said...

Glad you read the article. It is just so hard...{{HUGS}}

Karen said...

I am so sorry for your loss and I can relate to your feelings.

I know God wants us to come to Him with everything. He knows our hearts anyway=)!

I will pray that God will meet you where you are and that you will feel His presence (I'll pray that for myself, also)...

Blessings....

Our Family said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
Anonymous said...

Susan,
I am so sorry what you are going through. I know first hand it just really takes time to heal. It will always be a part of you, but the deep pain will get better. Keep your eyes on Jesus and He will get you through this hard time.
Jessica

abi w. said...

Still praying for you dear friend! May the Lord give you an extra measure of grace! Hugs and love your way!!

Qtpies7 said...

I meant to get back to you when you commented about what I am going through, right along with you, but that happened in the midst of losing my husband's mother.
Any way, I wanted to tell you I appreciated your comment and sharing with me.

You are NOT alone. It doesn't matter if you have 7 healthy kids, if you lose your child, it HURTS. And God gave you the desire for more children, it is good. The focus is not so good, lol, as I know so well.

I was just laying in bed this morning telling my husband how I think I am certifiably nuts. Every month I go through the same cycle. Grief, acceptance, hope. As my mid month starts I get hopeful that I will concieve, then my period starts and I am grieving, then I accept that I am may not have more, and it is a good thing, I am OK with that. Then it is that time again and I start hoping, lol. Every month. For years and years.
I want to accept, to leave it alone and just be content, but God does not take away the desire of my heart.
Sister, I share your heart in this.
The lack of sun is not helping in the least for either of us. I asked my husband if I could start tanning to try to help with the feelings, and he has agreed. A physician friend said that 20 minutes 3x a week will do it.

And I go on in hope for the next two weeks!

Audrey said...

I'm so sorry, Susan. I truly connot conceive of your loss or your sorrow. All I know to do is to keep praying for you.