Those who plant in tears will harvest SHOUTS OF JOY. They weep as they plant their seed, but they sing as they return with the HARVEST.



Psalm 126:5-6

Thursday, March 11, 2010

Memories

Today I sit and ponder many different memories that seem to flood my every thought. This is the month I was supposed to be having a healthy baby boy. I am not having that baby this month, instead I had him 4 and a half months ago lying very, very still. His little soul had already gone on to be with the Lord.

The other day I was laying down in my bed for quiet time and my emotions to say the least got the best of me. I cried and cried and cried. I just couldn't stop for some reason. I had been doing so good lately but for some reason that day I just couldn't stop the tears. Even after quiet time I would feel the sadness well up in me and I would cry again. I guess I needed it because I have been feeling better since that day.

I began to reminisce about all of my labors and how different they all were. How we were so excited every time my water broke because we knew we were going to have a baby and it was really happening. I am sure all of you mothers know what I am talking about it just doesn't seem real sometimes until that water breaks. Well the same thing happened when I had Elias, except this time when my water broke I was flooded with sadness knowing that my baby was about to be born and instead of saying hello I would be saying good bye. I think about that day quiet often, and wonder is that the last time I will ever give birth. I pray with a fervent heart quiet often that this is not the case. I sometimes wonder why I am not pregnant yet and wonder if I will ever carry another child to term. This is an area I am really trying to give to God but it is so hard when your heart aches for a little one.

Well once again thanks for listening to my ramblings as I walk this journey of healing.

6 comments:

Nana C said...

hey daughter, I do not have the same emotions that you carry for Elias, but at Grief Share, there was a story on this weeks DVD lesson, a grandfather had not been able to hold his granddaughter, as she was stillborn, but the tears welled up for me and yes the tears are good but one day Jesus will say, "It is over"....only joy then, I love you mom

Sally, Greg and Hannah said...

Your ramblings are always welcome here, sister! :)

Writing out how you feel is a good way to release tension and emotion. Holding it in isn't good for you mentally, physically or emotionally...I learned this the hard way.

Praying for you and continued healing.

Audrey said...

I'm so sorry, friend. I still pray for you as you mourn your dear son and have the hope of another child.

Karen said...

Thank you for sharing your heart, Susan. I can partly identify with those feelings, because I wonder if we will have another one. It would not replace our daughter, but would be a sweet balm to our hearts. But I do not know if we will, so it is a daily taking captive my thoughts and believing He is enough. But oh how my heart hurts for you...I'll be praying for you this week, Susan...

Josiah and Abi Wissmann said...

Susan,

It was so wonderful to see your smiling face yesterday, and to visit with you! Thank you for your friendship! I love you, and am praying for you!!! :)

Stillmary said...

You have a beautiful family and nothing can compare to a large family. My six are all grown but they reminisce often about their childhood.
I'm praying for your continued healing and I believe, in my heart of hearts, that you will carry another little one.
Asking for God's blessings and comfort for you.