Today I sit and ponder many different memories that seem to flood my every thought. This is the month I was supposed to be having a healthy baby boy. I am not having that baby this month, instead I had him 4 and a half months ago lying very, very still. His little soul had already gone on to be with the Lord.
The other day I was laying down in my bed for quiet time and my emotions to say the least got the best of me. I cried and cried and cried. I just couldn't stop for some reason. I had been doing so good lately but for some reason that day I just couldn't stop the tears. Even after quiet time I would feel the sadness well up in me and I would cry again. I guess I needed it because I have been feeling better since that day.
I began to reminisce about all of my labors and how different they all were. How we were so excited every time my water broke because we knew we were going to have a baby and it was really happening. I am sure all of you mothers know what I am talking about it just doesn't seem real sometimes until that water breaks. Well the same thing happened when I had Elias, except this time when my water broke I was flooded with sadness knowing that my baby was about to be born and instead of saying hello I would be saying good bye. I think about that day quiet often, and wonder is that the last time I will ever give birth. I pray with a fervent heart quiet often that this is not the case. I sometimes wonder why I am not pregnant yet and wonder if I will ever carry another child to term. This is an area I am really trying to give to God but it is so hard when your heart aches for a little one.
Well once again thanks for listening to my ramblings as I walk this journey of healing.