Those who plant in tears will harvest SHOUTS OF JOY. They weep as they plant their seed, but they sing as they return with the HARVEST.

Psalm 126:5-6

Thursday, March 25, 2010

Wondering Why?

Today I was talking with a dear friend of mine and sharing with her that I really thought I would be pregnant by now. Well, I'm not, and I have to deal with this and know that God's time is best. Let me tell you that is very hard for me. She said something very profound and it really made me think and ponder this statement.
She said, "If I was pregnant right now I would not be dealing with the grief and I would have just moved on. "
This is something i have done quiet often with other issues. I was able for the first time to thank God for knowing what is best for me right now. I am walking a path that is very painful and i am doing it completely with Christ and no other crutch. As I write this I am so thankful that I have chosen not to drink my sorrows away. I think I started to eat my sorrows away this time but the Lord took hold of me and said, "I am the way." The food, the alcohol, the shopping none of that will help it will just prolong the agony of dealing with the issue ahead of me . Which is learning to live with the loss of a precious baby. I see a little glimpse of light at the end of this tunnel. Not very much but a little.
Last night I cried out to God and fought with him until 2:30 a.m. until I could fight no more. I am so thankful he this patient. I am a very slow learner. I still wonder when and if I will hold a little baby again of my own. I believe I will. He knows my heart and I believe his plans are good for me. I don't know when this day will come but for today I will live in Hope, that comes only from the Lord. And I will try to stop asking the question"WHY"

(Also to my dear friend. Thank you for being there for me through this journey even though we are thousands of miles apart. You really have been a blessing)
This is the first time I have really had to deal with something without self medicating myself. Before I would have drank my sorrows away but the Lord graciously took that desire away from me. At the beginning of this grieving process I was using food to help me deal with it. Now I am taking note of what I eat and no longer am allowing myself to eat when I am sad or mad or confused. The Lord showed me today he is walking me through this and the anger and sadness and jealousy is going to get better. I just need to listen and learn as I walk down this path. I have come to realize I will never ever again be the Susan I was before and that is o.k. I think he is molding me into a different Susan, not a better Susan. Just the Susan who God wants to me to be.


Stillmary said...

You are on a journey. And you won't be the same at the end. You will be better. And through this journey, it's obvious that the Lord is holding your hand and guiding you to be the person he wants you to be. You have a tiny angel in heaven and a heart full of love and pain. But you will get better and you will never forget for a moment that tiny soul that only needed a short time on this earth where you were chosen to be the one he spent it with. You must be very special.
I believe that God is giving your heart time to grieve and heal and then you'll be blessed with another little one.
You're in my prayers.

Karen said...

A lot of people like to quote Rom 8:28 to those that grieve. Sometimes I want to say, "Are you kidding me? How can the death of my daughter be good?" Then I had someone tell me (who was also grieving) to look at the next verse..."to be conformed to the image of His Son." ahhh...that is be conformed in the image of Christ. This molding is painful and sometimes my yuck stuff bubbles out of the mold, but I have to remind myself that I am being molded in the image of Christ. Your post reminded me this again, Susan. It was a beautiful post. Thank you for sharing this.

Tona said...

Thank you for sharing your heart. This reminds me of the story my children love to read about Hermie and Wormie the "common" catepillars. They ask God "why can't I have....... like them.....? In the story God always reminds them "I am giving you a heart like mine." In the end the two friends eventually turn into BEAUTIFUL butterflies with hearts like God. I know this is just a childs lesson and real life is full of sad times, happy times, wants, needs, challenges and victories but I know that the Lord will see us through all of them. He is making your heart more like His. He cares deeply about you and knows your hurts better than any one. He has brought you over so many mountain tops and He will get you over this one too.
Praying for you!