Today I was talking with a dear friend of mine and sharing with her that I really thought I would be pregnant by now. Well, I'm not, and I have to deal with this and know that God's time is best. Let me tell you that is very hard for me. She said something very profound and it really made me think and ponder this statement.
She said, "If I was pregnant right now I would not be dealing with the grief and I would have just moved on. "
This is something i have done quiet often with other issues. I was able for the first time to thank God for knowing what is best for me right now. I am walking a path that is very painful and i am doing it completely with Christ and no other crutch. As I write this I am so thankful that I have chosen not to drink my sorrows away. I think I started to eat my sorrows away this time but the Lord took hold of me and said, "I am the way." The food, the alcohol, the shopping none of that will help it will just prolong the agony of dealing with the issue ahead of me . Which is learning to live with the loss of a precious baby. I see a little glimpse of light at the end of this tunnel. Not very much but a little.
Last night I cried out to God and fought with him until 2:30 a.m. until I could fight no more. I am so thankful he this patient. I am a very slow learner. I still wonder when and if I will hold a little baby again of my own. I believe I will. He knows my heart and I believe his plans are good for me. I don't know when this day will come but for today I will live in Hope, that comes only from the Lord. And I will try to stop asking the question"WHY"
(Also to my dear friend. Thank you for being there for me through this journey even though we are thousands of miles apart. You really have been a blessing)
This is the first time I have really had to deal with something without self medicating myself. Before I would have drank my sorrows away but the Lord graciously took that desire away from me. At the beginning of this grieving process I was using food to help me deal with it. Now I am taking note of what I eat and no longer am allowing myself to eat when I am sad or mad or confused. The Lord showed me today he is walking me through this and the anger and sadness and jealousy is going to get better. I just need to listen and learn as I walk down this path. I have come to realize I will never ever again be the Susan I was before and that is o.k. I think he is molding me into a different Susan, not a better Susan. Just the Susan who God wants to me to be.