Baby Elias

We spent the weekend in Souht Dakota to celebrate Elias' 1st Heavenly Birthday. Two of the girls made crosses for him so they wanted to put them on the headstone. A picture of all the children. It was a little cloudy and cold but not unbearable.

Mommy and Daddy with baby Elias.

Getting ready to release the balloons. This was the kids favorite part. They were so excited running all over with their ballon. Mommy got a little upset about this and daddy had to remind me that we were here to celebrate. Of course daddy was right.
After we released all of the balloons. We had a great weekend and I will post more pictures of the weekend and tell you all about our little adventure with Levi. For now I just wanted to focus on remembering Elias. We miss you and can't wait to see you in Heaven someday.

It's Been Almost A Year

I don't know where this past year has gone. On October 23rd it will have been a year since I gave birth to our little Elias who had already gone home to be with Jesus. The first 6 months after the loss are a total blur to me. I missed out on so much because I was struggling with the loss. I know we all grieve differently but I just couldn't get out of that miry pit. Until the day my 13 year old daughter said, " She didn't even think I cared about anything but losing the baby and having another one." Boy did that hurt. She was right, I had made everyone else in the house feel like they meant nothing to me. It was a wake up call to be thankful for all I had and that I was a very blessed momma.
Almost a year later and I have really had a change of heart about my children. They are all gifts and they are truly not mine. They are the Lord's and only on loan to me until he calls them home. During the time I have them I need to love them and teach them to love the Lord. I am still so very sad that I lost Elias but at times I am so very thankful because it has given me a different outlook on life. I understand how precious life is and to really cherish the time you are given with loved ones.
This weekend we will go to South Dakota to celebrate our little boys first year in Heaven. I actually look forward to this, there will be tears but I also know that I will see him someday and all my tears and pain will be no more.

Prayers Needed

I am writing this post because I know a lot of you out there are prayer warriors. Our house has experienced a major sickness this fall. It began the end of August with our 4 year old and has affected almost everyone. I thought I would get away without getting this but I began showing symptoms 3 weeks ago. I am exhausted and am in bed many days. Baby is fine but this particular sickness can sometimes take 3-4 months to get rid of. Right now we are all working on building our immune system back up. I need to get rid of this so I can rest for baby. My midwife says it should be gone before baby comes but I will still be pretty wiped out she thinks physically. Prayer is needed for quick recovery and that I would be able to get the proper nutrition while I am sick. I am struggling with not wanting to eat I just am not hungry.
Thank you all.

Half Way

I can't believe I am to the halfway point in this pregnancy. I remember when I first found out I was pregnant I couldn't wait until the day I could say I was 20 weeks. Well I can say that now. I was at the doctors to day and he said ,"You're 20 weeks and 2 days." That was wonderful to hear. Now my next goal is third trimester.

October

I can't believe it is October already, where has the year gone. I have always loved this time of year as the days get shorter, the nights get colder, and all the beautiful colors as the leaves begin to change. I am trying to remember this, because October seems to also hold a place in my heart that often makes me very sad.
October 31st 2007 I had my first miscarriage. This was heartbreaking for me as I was very naive about pregnancy. I always thought you found out you were pregnant and 9 months later you held your new little bundle. You see I had 6 children and had never experienced any complications, so that night when I woke up and found blood I truly became a different person. My eyes were opened to the pain that many women go through, a pain so great you wonder if you will survive. I survived and Sept,13th 2008 I gave birth to our first son. What a blessing he is.
October 21st 2009 was another one of those bring you to your knees moments. I was again pregnant but this time I was already in my second trimester and had heard the babies heartbeat, so of course everything would be fine. I was wrong, very wrong. I was making breakfast for the children when I felt something was not right. I went to the bathroom and sure enough there was blood. What would I do? Could I do this again? I am already showing how will I get through this. I knew I needed to call the doctor and get in immediately, so that is what I did. Once in that ultrasound room, no words were spoken we just waited. As soon as the screen went on I saw the baby but no movement. I knew our baby was gone. I cried and cried and truly felt like I was going to die. The next week was and still is a blur. We had our baby boy on Octber 23rd 2009 and buried him on Octber 28th 2009. All I could think was I will never get through this.
I have gotten through but it has not been easy. I know I will never be that same which I think is a good thing. I understand know how precious life is and to not take it for granted. I do have to admit that I am a little nervous about it being October. I am not superstitious but I am pregnant again and I just want to get through this month. I know the month has nothing to do with our previous losses it is just hard for me right now as I grieve the loss of Elias and carry this new life. As I type this post my little guy is letting me know he is o.k. he just started kicking me, I think I should go so I can feed me and the little one.
Have a great week and a blessed October.