Those who plant in tears will harvest SHOUTS OF JOY. They weep as they plant their seed, but they sing as they return with the HARVEST.



Psalm 126:5-6

Tuesday, October 5, 2010

October

I can't believe it is October already, where has the year gone. I have always loved this time of year as the days get shorter, the nights get colder, and all the beautiful colors as the leaves begin to change. I am trying to remember this, because October seems to also hold a place in my heart that often makes me very sad.
October 31st 2007 I had my first miscarriage. This was heartbreaking for me as I was very naive about pregnancy. I always thought you found out you were pregnant and 9 months later you held your new little bundle. You see I had 6 children and had never experienced any complications, so that night when I woke up and found blood I truly became a different person. My eyes were opened to the pain that many women go through, a pain so great you wonder if you will survive. I survived and Sept,13th 2008 I gave birth to our first son. What a blessing he is.
October 21st 2009 was another one of those bring you to your knees moments. I was again pregnant but this time I was already in my second trimester and had heard the babies heartbeat, so of course everything would be fine. I was wrong, very wrong. I was making breakfast for the children when I felt something was not right. I went to the bathroom and sure enough there was blood. What would I do? Could I do this again? I am already showing how will I get through this. I knew I needed to call the doctor and get in immediately, so that is what I did. Once in that ultrasound room, no words were spoken we just waited. As soon as the screen went on I saw the baby but no movement. I knew our baby was gone. I cried and cried and truly felt like I was going to die. The next week was and still is a blur. We had our baby boy on Octber 23rd 2009 and buried him on Octber 28th 2009. All I could think was I will never get through this.
I have gotten through but it has not been easy. I know I will never be that same which I think is a good thing. I understand know how precious life is and to not take it for granted. I do have to admit that I am a little nervous about it being October. I am not superstitious but I am pregnant again and I just want to get through this month. I know the month has nothing to do with our previous losses it is just hard for me right now as I grieve the loss of Elias and carry this new life. As I type this post my little guy is letting me know he is o.k. he just started kicking me, I think I should go so I can feed me and the little one.
Have a great week and a blessed October.

6 comments:

~SALLY~ said...

Praying that all goes well this month and that you continue to see progress. Glad to hear that the little guy is kicking around in there! I miss that...

~Traci~ said...

Hi Susan~I can understand how hard it is to get through these feelings. Apr. '09, Oct. '08, and Nov. '03 are sad reminders here and I too will be changed forever, missing them always.
I'll be thinking of you and your new little one:) Have a good day!

Tanya Ross said...

I know that you told me all of this, but I guess I did not realize that there was two loses in October. I know in my heart you will reach Nov 1st with a new one in you. God is good and He loves you so. Just rely on Him and He will get you through. I think of you often and I love you. Tanya

alisha a. said...

i'll be praying that this particular month will seem to go by fast for you.

i'm glad the little guy is letting you know everything's fine.

~*Alisha~*

www.girlsforgodmagazine.blogspot.com

Karen said...

Praying hard for you as you get through this month. Praying that God's peace and love will be felt so abundantly by you that you won't have any room for worries or sadness. And praying that that wee little miracle inside you will continue to give you a little nudge or kick when you are feeling down.
Much love to you, my friend!

Anonymous said...

Thanks for the update! I've been thinking of you lots, and praying for you!!! Remember to rejoice in today!! :) Hugs!

~Abi