The Days Are Going So Slow

I feel like time is standing still. I will be 14 weeks on Monday and I am so ready to be past this month. I just want my 16Th week to come and go, but it seems like it is never going to get here. I feel like the pregnancy has gone pretty well so far except the past few weeks have really lingered. I have really had to fight that fear that tries to creep up inside of me. I will walk past the mirror and look at myself and think, uh-oh I don't look as big as I did yesterday, or I will feel something not normal and worry that something is going wrong. This has definitely been a different pregnancy. I am happy for each day I get through but I am really looking forward to hitting some of my own personal mile stones.

An Up and Down Day

Lately I have been on an emotional roller coaster. I will have a day where I will start to get a little excited and start dreaming about holding this little one, and then poof that fear creeps in. The Devil is really trying hard to steal my Joy and I am fighting just as hard to not let him win.

Then today I had my first appointment with my midwife and you won't believe what happened. We couldn't find the heartbeat. I know I am only 13 weeks but I have heard my other babies by now so I tried to stay as calm as possible. I felt exactly I did that day in October last year. I just kept telling myself I know everything is o.k. Well I called the doctor who I have been seeing and as soon as I told the receptionist that we couldn't find the heartbeat she told me to come in immediately. Which of course I did. I was fine on the drive over to the doctors, fine in the waiting room, but as soon as I walked into the ultrasound room I lost it. Then my doctor came in and said, "o.k. let's see what's going on." I looked at him and just started crying and told him I didn't think I wanted to know. He was so kind and understanding, standing in front of the screen so I couldn't see, because I was a wreck at this point. Within a few seconds he had moved and there was our little baby and I could see their feet moving around. It was such a great feeling. He assured me this is common to not find the heartbeat with the Doppler this early. Well for me it isn't common and the only time we have never heard a heartbeat was with Elias. So to say the least I was a little excited to see our little bean jumping all around.

Friday Mornings

We started something new a few Fridays ago and the kids love it. My 4 year old loves pancakes and I feel like I never make them. So a couple of Fridays ago I asked my oldest daughter if she wanted to learn how to make the homemade wheat pancakes. She was hesitant at first but once I told her how you do it she got started. I didn't even help her and they turned out magnificent. Since then we have been doing this every Friday and they kids love it. Right now she is getting ready to put them on the griddle and all the kids are waiting patiently for their yummy pancakes. Sometimes I just can't believe how blessed I am to have these children who really do love to do things to make their siblings happy. My days in the kitchen seem to be getting shorter and shorter.

12 weeks 2 days

I went to the doctor today to see our little bambino and make sure that things were still going well. Everything looks great. Baby is growing and mommy couldn't be happier. I talked to a friend after the appointment and she said I sounded much better than normal. Maybe that was a bit of excitement that she heard. I got lots of pictures of baby and still can't believe that I am growing another life inside of me. I have it my head I am just ready for it to hit my heart. For now I feel great and have a huge grin and I am praying that I will start to feel some excitement.

Just Rambling

I finally did it. Did what you ask? I got this year's curriculum ordered. I know it shouldn't be such an ordeal but every year I dread it. Once I get it done I am so relieved and ready to start the new year. This year I will officially be schooling 5 children, 1st through 8th grade. Amazing how the more children I school the easier it gets. Next year I will officially have a child in high school. Where has time gone I will never forget her first year using Bob Jones and wondering what have I gotten myself into. Now I couldn't think of doing it any other way. Kind of exciting to think that my children have been with me since day one and I have enjoyed it. Kind of funny in today's society to hear a parent say they love having their children under their feet all day everyday. The Lord really can do change the heart of his people. When I was pregnant with my 3rd child I wanted to get a nanny and go back to school full time. Now look at me pregnant with number 8, homeschooling 5 children and open to the Lord blessing us as he sees fit. Thank you Lord for opening my eyes to your wonderful gifts. Have a great school year everyone.

A Long Week

This week seems to have been extremely busy during the first half and has left me paying for it. I think I overdid it this week and I am paying for it today. I was beginning to really feel better and then today the morning sickness hit and has had me knocked out all day. Just can't get comfortable and my tummy just wants to be stubborn. I am going to bed early and praying for a good weekend. Hope all of you have a great weekend.

Family Pictures

Here are some pictures of us at the beach trying to take family pictures. Interesting when there are nine of us. Here is a picture of Daddy and the boy having fun. The boy was determined to be difficult.

This is one of our posed family pictures. And of course children were not cooperating. As we've had more children I have gotten to where I realize there will be no perfect picture.

This is my favorite. All the ladies in his life kissing his head. Of course there was no room for the main one(me.)

What a Year

July 15th was a special day for hubby and I only we were both very sick in bed with the stomach flu. July 15th 1995 we made a commitment in front of family and friends and the Lord to love each other through sickness and health, through good and bad times, etc. Well 15 years ago I would have never guessed I would be where I am today. A houseful of children, a mind full of memories, and excited to see where we will be in the next 15 years. We have been through many different trials these last 15 years but nothing like this last year.

As I was lying on the couch trying to feel like a normal person, my husband slipped me a little card. It was beautiful. He told me he knew it had been a long year and that our tragedy was something no one should ever have to go through. I just cried and cried thinking we have come so far. He told me he loved me and always would.I thought to myself he stood by me when I was a total wreck, he loved me when I didn't want to be loved, he let me throw a fit when I needed to, he stood up to his vows he loved me when I was sick. Not physically sick but emotionally sick. How many men do that? He knew I was going to have to get through this in my time and he was patient, much more patient than I would have ever been. He was my rock and I was the raging storm, but he never moved. Yes there were some really bad days where I thought we are not going to make it, but he remained steadfast even as I tried to push him further and further away. Marc thank you for loving me during this journey of life. I know it wasn't easy.

Now we will walk through this next journey together a little more confident. I know as a couple we will get through it I just hope I don't lose my mind. We are expecting a baby the end of February. I feel like things are going to be fine but there are many times when I am not. I would be kidding myself if I said, I was not terrified. Lately all I can think about is what we went through last time. I am now about 10 and a half weeks along and I have been fine but I keep thinking the further I get the harder it will be if I lose this baby. How do you not think those thoughts? We are human. I feel like I can't even get excited yet because something might happen. Then I think to myself I am not in control so why worry about this. It has been a lot harder than I ever thought it would be. I dreamed of getting pregnant and being able to tell everyone, now I just want to hide and keep it a secret. I think if it is secret nothing will happen. I know, sounds crazy, but the things that go through your head after a loss sometimes make no sense.

My point is I have decided to break out of my shell and start sharing the news. Please pray with our family as we walk this road of anxiously awaiting the arrival of a healthy baby.The Lord knows I need a lot of prayers right now. I am specifically asking for prayers for mommy to become a little more excited about this new life. I keep very quiet about it and try to change the subject when daddy and kids talk about the baby. I want to feel that excitement just like they do. Thanks to all of you out there who read this and have prayed for us before. You have blessed us more than you will know.

A Busy Day

Yesterday was a very full day for us and I was a little concerned as to whether or not I would get everything done. A lady from our church had brought a lady in to speak about home remedies and I really wanted to go. She was going to talk a lot about using herbs and making your own tinctures. This seminar started at 9:00 and Ia was taking all of the children, because the church was also having a 5-day club. Perfect timing the kids could have fun and so could mom. I knew I would have to plan ahead so everything would be taken care of. Monday night my oldest daughter made dinner ahead of time for the next night. She made the lunch and got it ready to go so we wouldn't have to eat out.

Then yesterday I woke up to a wonderful surprise. The kids let me sleep until 7:00. They had gotten the little ones up, dressed them, and fixed their hair. As I was getting ready they made sure everyone got fed even mommy. Then it was time to go and I had forgotten to check to make sure we had everything. I shouldn't have been surprised. They took care of packing all the food, water, diapers, and extra food. I was amazed and proud of how my daughters took charge and got a family ready to be away from home for a whole day. Plus we had a great dinner ready fro us when we got home. Thanks girl for all you do, you both will be great wives's and mommy's some day.