July 15th was a special day for hubby and I only we were both very sick in bed with the stomach flu. July 15th 1995 we made a commitment in front of family and friends and the Lord to love each other through sickness and health, through good and bad times, etc. Well 15 years ago I would have never guessed I would be where I am today. A houseful of children, a mind full of memories, and excited to see where we will be in the next 15 years. We have been through many different trials these last 15 years but nothing like this last year.
As I was lying on the couch trying to feel like a normal person, my husband slipped me a little card. It was beautiful. He told me he knew it had been a long year and that our tragedy was something no one should ever have to go through. I just cried and cried thinking we have come so far. He told me he loved me and always would.I thought to myself he stood by me when I was a total wreck, he loved me when I didn't want to be loved, he let me throw a fit when I needed to, he stood up to his vows he loved me when I was sick. Not physically sick but emotionally sick. How many men do that? He knew I was going to have to get through this in my time and he was patient, much more patient than I would have ever been. He was my rock and I was the raging storm, but he never moved. Yes there were some really bad days where I thought we are not going to make it, but he remained steadfast even as I tried to push him further and further away. Marc thank you for loving me during this journey of life. I know it wasn't easy.
Now we will walk through this next journey together a little more confident. I know as a couple we will get through it I just hope I don't lose my mind. We are expecting a baby the end of February. I feel like things are going to be fine but there are many times when I am not. I would be kidding myself if I said, I was not terrified. Lately all I can think about is what we went through last time. I am now about 10 and a half weeks along and I have been fine but I keep thinking the further I get the harder it will be if I lose this baby. How do you not think those thoughts? We are human. I feel like I can't even get excited yet because something might happen. Then I think to myself I am not in control so why worry about this. It has been a lot harder than I ever thought it would be. I dreamed of getting pregnant and being able to tell everyone, now I just want to hide and keep it a secret. I think if it is secret nothing will happen. I know, sounds crazy, but the things that go through your head after a loss sometimes make no sense.
My point is I have decided to break out of my shell and start sharing the news. Please pray with our family as we walk this road of anxiously awaiting the arrival of a healthy baby.The Lord knows I need a lot of prayers right now. I am specifically asking for prayers for mommy to become a little more excited about this new life. I keep very quiet about it and try to change the subject when daddy and kids talk about the baby. I want to feel that excitement just like they do. Thanks to all of you out there who read this and have prayed for us before. You have blessed us more than you will know.