Lately I have been on an emotional roller coaster. I will have a day where I will start to get a little excited and start dreaming about holding this little one, and then poof that fear creeps in. The Devil is really trying hard to steal my Joy and I am fighting just as hard to not let him win.
Then today I had my first appointment with my midwife and you won't believe what happened. We couldn't find the heartbeat. I know I am only 13 weeks but I have heard my other babies by now so I tried to stay as calm as possible. I felt exactly I did that day in October last year. I just kept telling myself I know everything is o.k. Well I called the doctor who I have been seeing and as soon as I told the receptionist that we couldn't find the heartbeat she told me to come in immediately. Which of course I did. I was fine on the drive over to the doctors, fine in the waiting room, but as soon as I walked into the ultrasound room I lost it. Then my doctor came in and said, "o.k. let's see what's going on." I looked at him and just started crying and told him I didn't think I wanted to know. He was so kind and understanding, standing in front of the screen so I couldn't see, because I was a wreck at this point. Within a few seconds he had moved and there was our little baby and I could see their feet moving around. It was such a great feeling. He assured me this is common to not find the heartbeat with the Doppler this early. Well for me it isn't common and the only time we have never heard a heartbeat was with Elias. So to say the least I was a little excited to see our little bean jumping all around.